Monday, December 22, 2008

Zombie Samurai

Just when I was thinking "you know, there aren't enough Zombie Samurai films", I happen upon this:

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Zombie/Zombi 2 in Pictures, by Ree


"My Jugular!"



Scuba Boobs!

Zombie wants boobs!

Zombie vs. Shark!

Nude and relaxed!

Clothed and terrified!

"Not my LASIK eyes!"


No Evidence of Malpractice!



Graveyard make-out!



"I never saw Paris!!!!"













Vessel not under command!

It's over!

Zombie/Zombi 2 1980 Lucio Fulci


I’m not entirely sure how the zombie epidemic originates in the movie, but it has something to do with the natives on Mantool and is perhaps a direct result of their constant drumming. Regardless, at some point in time a group of people escape Mantool and naturally set sail for New York. They eat the shit out of a lot of canned goods and packaged goodies until one zombie (who may or may not have been fat beforehand) eats them all, hibernates in a closet, and is eventually awoken by an unsuspecting NYPD/French Navy cop searching the boat for survivors. Oh, and the boat does some phenomenal maneuvering for being manned by the undead, so I guess we really have to respect zombie seamanship.

After the initial scene, Peter North and a ginger named Anne decide to search for her missing father (owner of the zombie boat) and immediately embark for Mantool. Since the island is small and evidently uncharted, they meet up with a stoner named Brian and his scantily clad girlfriend, Susan, who happen to be vacationing in the area. The trip doesn’t get off to a great start and takes a turn for the worse after a pissed off great white shark, fresh from a skirmish with an underwater zombie, runs into the boat and severely damages the “drive train.”

Incapable of repairing the boat themselves, the group heads to shore on Mantool and meets up with Doctor Menard, the local white doctor, who relays most of the background information on the island, the zombie outbreak, and the demise of Anne’s father. The background is as follows: natives drum, people get sick, they are taken to the church/hospital/laboratory, they die, Dr Menard and his assistant wrap them in sheets and wait, the bodies reanimate, Dr Menard grimaces for a few seconds before shooting them in the head wild west gunfight style. This scenario has evidently played out numerous times prior to Anne & Co’s arrival, but it seems there are just too many zombies to handle now.

Menard sends the gange to visit his wife, Paola, while he attends to matters in the church. However, upon their arrival at the good doctor’s house, they witness a zombie blood orgy involving Paola’s mutilated body. Disgusted, they decide to head back to the church but get sidetracked after running into a tree. They do, however, have time to make out in an old cemetery, which has immediate and terrible consequences. Previous to this point, we are led to believe that the zombies have been the reanimated corpses of the recently deceased, but here the dead begin rising from the grave. Really old graves. Conquistador old. 1888.

The group, now minus Susan, makes it back to the church to make their final stand against the rapidly growing zombie horde, yet somehow manage to make it out the back door without setting themselves on fire. The doctor dies after being bitten in the face. Brian gets bit by his zombie girlfriend. Menard’s nurse stares at a zombie for a really long time, then dies. Peter and Anne escape to their boat to make their way back to New York. And all appears to be well until they turn the bridge-to-bridge radio to the local New York news station and learn that the city has been overrun by the living dead. The movie ends with zombies walking towards Manhattan on the Brooklyn Bridge, average mid-day bridge traffic below them.

Did the zombie in the coroner’s office morgue get a boner? Or was that just me?

These were perhaps the slowest moving zombies of all time, at least in any movie I’ve seen. But they did pack a pretty devastating coordinated spin move, which proved capable of knocking down the church’s reinforced door. Oh, and they moved pretty quickly when going in for a bite.

I’m certainly no medical expert, and will certainly defer to the Pig. But if you’ve been dead for a while, you’re probably not going to be doing a lot of bleeding. Or for that matter breathing. Although I did like the peeping-tom camera angles combined with the heavy breathing. It’s reassuring knowing that even the undead can appreciate a good boob scene.

Where were the natives? There were making a lot of noise but we never got to see them? Are they hideous? Hispanic? Were they drumming for or against the zombies? Zombie cadence?

Zombie vs shark: most amazing zombie scene ever? I think so. What was the zombie’s motivation? Jealousy? Hunger? Berserker rage? Boner? If a zombie will try to eat a shark, why would it not try to eat a goat? Or a donkee? I loved that the zombie was just hanging out in the reef waiting, just on the off chance that some babe worth eating would stroll through. I would be very interested to know how that scene was filmed. Question for the divers: if you have boobs, do you not need a BCD?

Peter West: although it’s not obvious until the final scene, you really must admire the man’s comb-over. There just aren’t enough movie headliner comb-overs these days. Bravo, Ian McCulluch.

Defense Moves/Lessons:
Never make out in a cemetery. Ever. I’m not entirely sure that the attempted kiss was the direct cause of the dead rising from the grave, but it would make sense. And really, it’s just poor form. Don’t be that guy. Those were some remarkably well preserved zombies though, especially given the island’s climate And I must admit I lost a lot of respect for the conquistadors, those dudes were pretty fucking lazy with their grave digging. I mean, they could have at least dug down two feet. Sloppy.

If your dead girlfriend is staring at you with someone else’s blood dripping from her chin, feel free to bash her skull in.

Head shots. How many ineffectual body shots would you take before you’d get the message that only a head shot kills?

You will not win a staring contest with a zombie. Please do not attempt to do so.

If you haven’t done so already, be sure to own a gun that never needs to be reloaded and/or have unlimited ammunition. These people must have had the cheat code from Contra, because I don’t recall seeing a single reload. Oh, and if you have a bolt-action rifle, switch it to semi-automatic. It’s a lot more effective that way.

If you’ve chosen a wooden structure to make your final stand, consider dropping Molotov cocktails to the bottom of your weapon preferences.


Plot – 3.8

Plots are not typically the strongpoint of the zombie flick, and this one is no different. I think my plot synopsis pretty much covers this section.

Acting – 3.1

I watched it in Italian with English sub-titles, yet at times I felt like the actors were actually speaking English. At other times, they were definitely speaking Italian. So I have no idea what the hell was going on with that. Vai al diavolo. Overall, the non-zombie acting was pretty horrific. I would be interested to know if anyone besides Peter McCulloch ever acted again, and at least he was being held back by his comb-over. On the other hand, I thought the zombie acting was pretty good. They were emotionless and slow, lulling their victims into a false sense of security before striking quickly with their teeth. I could have used some more groaning though. And the scene of the zombies throwing themselves at the church doorway was quite comical. Why were they spinning so much? They looked like a pack of crocodiles. And if there was actually a guy dressed up like a zombie fighting a real shark… well, that’s just fucking awesome.

Gore – 5.0

It was 1980, so the special effects do no hold up completely to today’s standards. But based on the shark scene and Paola’s exenteration alone, this movie deserves a 5. The Paola meat banquet scene was also rather nice, with zombies feasting on her appendages like a Thanksgiving dinner. They seemed to be taking their time, savoring the taste, vice the feeding frenzies seen in most other zombie movies. These zombies were much more civil than Romero’s, at least amongst themselves. Additionally, there were several scenes Fulci had to cut out in order to release the film, yet it still managed to be a pretty gruesome gore flick. Include these scenes, and this is a certifiable 5 Severed Legs.

Boobs: 3.8

Kudos for the topless diving scene. That is the first of its kind I’ve viewed and I’m definitely a fan. Two sets of boobs, both smallish but nice. Both scenes were tastefully done, with excellent use of camera angles and well placed mirrors. I guess I would have liked to see Anne’s as well, and it could have easily been accomplished during the boat scene at the dock. I think the cop would have been more likely to let them go if she had shown some boobage. Then he could have gone back to his car and listened to some more rocking saxophone solos. But alas, she probably didn’t have to do it because she’s Mia Farrow’s sister.

Overall – 4.1

Overall a good zombie movie and while at first viewing I wouldn’t put Fulci on the same level as Romero, at least he didn’t make Diary of the Dead. Anyways, the plot was so-so, the acting was sub-par, but the gore was superb, especially given the 1979 film date. I know we haven’t ranked it yet, but I’d put this movie on equal terms with the original Dawn of the Dead. Zombierific.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

My choice for December

I have chosen December's movie: Zombie (also known as Zombi 2, Island of the Living Dead, Zombie Island, Zombie Flesh Eaters and Woodoo). 1980. Lucio Fulci. Yes, it's true. Dagos make the best zombie movies.

I'll post my summary, ratings, and lessons in by December 15th. Then everyone else can add their own comments/ratings.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

World War Z film adaptation has a director

It's a little time-late, but awesome nonetheless.

Marc Forster, the director of the newest Bond flick (badass action), as well as Monster's Ball (Halle Berry boobs) and Stranger than Fiction (Will Ferrell...enough said) will be directing the film adaptation of World War Z.

That dude probably has a lot of tasty brains under that bald melon of his. He better watch himself.

Read all about it here.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Should I be worried?

Last night I trekked out into the suburban waste land of big box stores and chain restaurant chic. While at BW3's, I was rapidly introduced to a series of people who's names I wouldn't remember. Of note was the one guy with glasses, camel hair coat, and long hair. I extended my hand in greeting and he pointed to his eye saying, "sorry, pink eye." Huh? "yeah, you know,conjunctivitis." Scott Baio was no where to be seen. But what does this have to do with zombies? Note the most obvious symptom of the dreaded pink eye.
This guy was showing the first signs of turning!!! I'm not familiar with the literature, but do people turn more slowly during the earlier stages of an outbreak? Could it be the initial onset of symptoms is so gradual that they go unnoticed? Will he be craving leftover stuffing and brains? If the infection starts in Ohio, I fear it will be hard to tell the infected from normal Ohioans.

Let me start this post off by saying Happy Thanksgiving.

And then let me say that it's amazing what you'll come across when you google "zombie boobs"

I was directed to Even though it sounds like an HIV site (more on that later), it's actually a really good amateur zombie web reality show parody. If fact, I'll go on the record and say that it's the best amateur zombie web reality show parody I've seen this month.

The show revolves around some guys who, upon the zombie outbreak, hole up in an abandoned reality TV frat house (called the Frat House of Representatives). It's a funny show with plenty of humor, wit, and of course, flesh-eating dead. The survivors try their best to learn the basics of zombie defense, but they're a pretty dull lot.

Here are our heroes trying to determine whether another survivor is a zombie.

The guy in the hospital gown (Paul) was at a free clinic when the outbreak started. He just found out that he has HIV, and tries to take a zombie out by injecting it with some of his blood (it doesn't work). At the end of each segment, the characters sign off from the show stating, "My name is X, and I am not infected." When the HIV guy signs off, he say, "My name is Paul, and I am not...a zombie." Funny shit.

Another guy in the house is a self-absorbed asshole (Hartley) who, when asked in an interview about the effects of the zombie outbreak, says "Well, homelessness is up...but they're eating."

And to round out the group, there's Charlie, a good-natured guy who is against killing anything, including zombies. He is what Hartley refers to as a "douchebag".

Couple all of that characterization with some home-made blood squibs for shotgun head shots, and what's there not to love?

The bottom line is that I Am Not Infected is a witty web show that takes zombie cinema back to its low-budget roots and combines it with some modern-day satire and sensibility to produce a thoroughly satisfying zombie experience. I recommend that you check it out.

Oh, and the zombie boobs were blurred out. I know, you just can't win.

Notice the blood-smeared spanish for "I am not infected" on the elevator doors in the free clinic. Genius.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Monday, November 24, 2008

Zombie Food Chain Tee

Thanks to Gary for pointing out this amazing T-shirt from Threadless.

I bought one immediately. Economic slowdown be damned. If flesh-eating dead are going to destroy life on earth as we know it, a little bit of credit card debt isn't going to hurt anyone. I recommend that every man, woman, and child buy one immediately.

Hell, even zombies are wearing them. Check out this guy:

It is strange that this ghoul doesn't show any obvious signs of trauma. The skin is pale, but there aren't any tell-tale scratches, slashes, or bite marks. Maybe he was bitten on his ankle or something. Anyway, it's still one nasty looking zombie that will probably give me nightmares.

Sunday, November 16, 2008


Thanks to Pig the Elder for getting this thing kicked off. Here's the preliminary rotation for movies:

December: Newton
January: Isphording
February: Thompson, Gary
March: Passo
April: Ree
May: Hopping
June: Dubois
July: Raunpig, C
August: Kress

Additional members will be added as necessary.

Also, here's are some good sites for additional research: Self explanatory Create your zombie alter-ego These dudes seem pretty cool and have their own zombie club. Perhaps one day we can join forces. Or destroy them. Good weapons and gear section. But beware, some suggestions are more useful than others.

Personally I would use my two Katanas. They are legit. I didn't even get them in America, I got them from the Asian countries surrounding Japan, such as Korea and the like. I am a master while using the blade (not an exaggeration), and using my swords, I could easily kill and protect myself more so than using any gun (although I would still use a gun any time I had the chance). Stay safe my friends.-ZEROFLY Calculate your current risk based on location, training, and preparation. Excellent tool. I keep waiting for zombies to show up here, but nothing so far.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

"Night of the Living Dead", 1968, dir. George A. Romero, starring Duane Jones

Ratings: (0-5 Severed Legs)

Overall- 4
It's hard to not give George Romero 5 stars, but he didn't have enough zombies, something he learned much better in his later attempts. There were too many scenes of hammering boards to windows or arguing about the basement. My basic feeling at the end of the movie was one of content. People were eaten for being stupid, humans turned on each other, all is well.

Plot- 4.5
Zombie outbreak due to an unkown virus, strictly affecting the brain, zombies eating flesh, the government getting involved, good shit. Using the farmhouse as the focal point was good to show localized terror, but I think it would have been better if the people in the basement weren't a bunch of retards.

Acting- 2.0
The only reason this got above a 0.5 were a few zombies that were realistic (going straight for the grab-n-bite, rather than choking and throwing judo chops. I could give a shit about the human actors, we are going for realism in the zombies, I expect nothing less (or nothing greater) than Gary Busey acting from the human actors. The zombies, well, they have to earn their pay.

Gore- 3.0
For its time, there was some good gore. I recognize that this movie was groundbreaking for the 60's. There were quite a few scenes of zombies eating the shit our of some human flesh. It actually looked like a bucket of chicken from Zippy's, and to tell you the truth, I got hungry. However, the little girl stabbed the mom in the face and then ate the dad. That is good shit. People getting blown up and burned and then eaten, also good shit. Zombies aren't pretty, and they didn't crack open any skulls for brains, which is a must for any zombie movie. Major point deduction, I stand by 3 severed legs.

Boobs- 1.0
There was a nice ass shot and partial cleavage. I could be nice and say that this is acceptable considering the time period, however, I expect more.

A beautiful drive into the country, to pay respects to a dead relative, ends terribly for the young couple (or brother and sister, not sure). Even though it is apparent that their visit is only for paying respects, the dialogue alludes to growing up and playing in the cemetary as kids. This is shown by the dude mocking the girl by pretending he is a zombie and chasing her around, which was pretty funny especially when he got his dick stomped in by the first zombie. The girl flees to a nearby farmhouse, after falling multiple times. After finding solace in her refuge (and a dead body with the face eaten off, nice!), Barack Obama shows up to save the day. He spends a majority of the movie nailing boards to the window, setting chairs on fire, dick-stomping zombie's heads with a tire iron (smart choice of weapon), and set the example of the worst shot with a rifle in the history of zombie movies. Eventually a family creeps out of the basement from hiding. I figured something was down there, from the multiple camera shots focusing on the door and the door handle. Unfortunately, it wasn't a zombie, just some putz, his family, and I think the young couple was their sex slaves, neighbors, but either case the young kid was annoying and I'm glad he and his girlfriend were blown up and then eaten. After the blond retard woman freaks out for most of the movie and is completely worthless, she is eaten by her brother, which made me happy. The zombies didn't play a large role until they figured out how to break into the house, this might have been a "strength in numbers" scenario. It was a shame that BO was killed at the end, he could have been a good zombie hunter because he pretty much wrecked shit through the whole movie.

Character Flaws:
Ben (the black guy)- He died because he couldn't comprehend that zombies don't speak through megaphones, shoot guns, or fly helicopters. He should have come out of the basement at least saying something, rather than being all sketched out. In the end, he was killed because he was black, fucking racist zombie hunters.

Retarded Blond (Barbra)- She sucked the whole movie, I was surprised she lasted so long. The kitchen knife would have done nothing if she was attacked. She had long hair (easy to grab) and wore a jacket, which was smart to slip out of if grabbed by zombies, however, she wasn't that smart.

Young Couple (Tom and Judy)- The guy was slobbing Mr. Cooper's knob, who was retarded and holed everyone up in the basement with no exit. Luckily, he sided with Ben and planned their escape. Unfortunately, he was burned alive with his girlfriend. I expected his death, and ensuing consumption by the zombies. He was too dependent on others, in the event of an emergency, he would have shit himself or thrown his girlfriend to the zombie.

The Coopers- I give props to the Mrs., she realized that her husband was an idiot for being in the basement, however, didn't do anything about it. Both were stupid enough to think that their daughter would be fine, as soon as the radio announcement came in about the zombie infections, they should have destroyed the brain. The mom ran from the zombie girl into the corner of the basement and then got stabbed (unrealistic, zombies just bit and claw) in the face. Mr. Cooper got shot, good riddens. I kind of like kid zombies, but what kind of parents let their kid get bit in the first place. Also, what kind of kid lets themselves get close to a zombie? That gene pool was better off erased.

Zombie defense moves:

Tire Iron- Formidable weapon, but too much energy expended on one zombie. Good for quick reaction, last resort weapon, but a claw hammer, lead pipe, or ax/hatchet would have done the trick. Blunt trauma just doesn't kill the brain as quickly and efficiently.

Knife- Worthless weapon. Most likely, you'd cut yourself and get infected by the virus.

Rifle- This is a good weapon, if proper training and accurate aim are factored in. If not, it just provides slowing power. This is better for large groups of people taking out zombies at far distances. Close distance, hand-to-hand, you need either a semi-auto pistol with a shitton of clips and ammo, or axes, claw hammers, samurai swords, etc.

Boards to windows- Good to slow zombies, however, too time consuming and energy expending. it would have saved more time to take out the staircase and hide upstairs. If there were more people helping, this would have been better and saved some time to shore up other defenses.

Truck- Good if you actually hit the fucking zombies, not steer around or get blown up in the process.

Personal comments:
This movie was a suitable start, figuring the zombie movie god, George Romero, filmed this. It really did set a precedence for approaching the subject of a zombie invasion. The zombies weren't 100% realistic because they don't run, they don't punch and choke, they just want to eat the brain and flesh. I'm not sure why the zombies weren't around in mass quantities in the morning, when the zombie posse came. Usually, they would stay at one place just to get a morsel of tasty flesh. In reality, I believe they would have broken into the basement. Or, hundreds or thousands would be around in the morning. I did see one zombie that looked like 3-Button, which made me happy.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Movies Owned

What are all the Zombie movies owned within the group?

I have:
"Braindead" aka "Dead Alive", 1992/1993 US, dir. Peter Jackson, starring Timothy Balme

"Planet Terror", 2007, dir. Robert Rodriguez, starring Rose McGowan

"Dawn of the Dead", 1978, dir. George A. Romero, starring David Emge

"Shaun of the Dead", 2004, dir. Edgar Wright, starring Simon Pegg

"Zombie 2" aka "Zombie (US)", 1979, dir. Lucio Fulci, starring Tisa Farrow

"Night of the Living Dead", 1968, dir. George A. Romero, starring Duane Jones
- Part of a Zombie multi-movie pack

Friday, November 7, 2008

Forum Etiquette

In order to facilitate our submission of comments of movies, as administrator, I propose the following format.

1) Whomever picks the movie, will be responsible for submitting the response in the following format:

Synopsis: (let the uniqueness flow from thy pen, make sure to note how realistic the movie is compared to a real zombie invasion- reference any George Romero movie or Max Brooks novel for realism points)

Character Flaws: (what led to their death, turn into zombie, or multiple close-calls)

Zombie defense moves: (to learn what worked, and what didn't)

Personal comments: (if the zombie looked like an ex-girlfriend, Josh Alms, or anything else that struck a personal nerve)

2) All other members will make comments based off their opinions of the movie of the original response.

3) Bud The CHUD is responsible for making a rotation list as to who picks the movie and writes the ensuing response.

4) Any new members will be cycled in as appropriate.... the bottom of the list.

5) When a movie is picked, the Title, Year, Director, and major star (if there is one) must accompany the title of the post.

ex. "Night of the Living Dead", 1968, dir. George Romero, starring Duane Jones

This will eliminate any confusion of sequels, remakes, or similar titles.

Any questions, forward them to Pig hearts Zed. Any comments, go fuck yourself.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

In the beginning and into the future

"Speculation rests on a radiation-covered NASA satellite returning from Venus, but it only remains a speculation. Anyone who dies during the crisis of causes unrelated to brain trauma will return as a flesh-eating zombie, including anyone who has been bitten by a zombie. The only way to destroy the zombies is to destroy the brain." - Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Truer words have rarely been spoken. With a new era dawning in American politics, we must cast our vision to the future and to the skies. Of all the challenges that face this country and the president-elect, none require our dedicated efforts more than the threat of zombie attack initiated by extraterrestrial radiation brought to earth on a massive comet. We must heed the lessons of "Night of the Living Dead" (1968) and "Deep Impact" (1998). The parallels are too striking to ignore. While the election of Barack Obama will certainly be the best thing that could have happened to this country, we can not afford to ignore its inevitable consequences.

That is why this blog will serve as a repository of critical information, a zombie survivalist handbook, for all people in the terrible times ahead. We wish you all good luck, and Godspeed.

It begins....

The battle for the human race begins through studying all those who came before us..... game on bitches.