Wednesday, August 26, 2009

If this can't save this club, nothing can

Monday, May 4, 2009

Warsaw Pact Tour 2009

Tomorrow four woefully unprepared and stupefyingly incompetent jackasses embark upon a journey to set back American foreign relations decades. They are




and Newt

Wish these men God's speed as they tour Eastern Europe's former Soviet Republics and get America all over everything.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Dawn of the Dead Review (Original)

When it comes to classis zombie movies, there is no equal to George A Romeros original Dawn of the Dead. None.

Sure, newer zombie flicks may have better special effects and production values, but they owe just about all of their greatness to this films pioneering vision of massive zombie invasion. The official sequel to Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead tells the familiar tale of a group of survivors during a zombie attack, but expands the scope of the story from an isolated farmhouse to cities, rural areas, and ultimately an abandoned shopping mall. The movie is bloody and gory without being gratuitous. It's intelligent without being boring. It also comments on racism, economic inequality, rampant consumerism, materialism, and the fact that bike gangs will inherit the earth.

Acting: 3/5

It's not's not great either.

Plot 5/5

The film opens in a chaotic newsroom during a zombie invasion. Widespread panic has set in; everyone is shouting, people are walking off the job, and the few people that are keeping their heads are wondering how much longer they can stay on the air. Following a bloody police standoff in a zombie-infested tenement of Caribbean immigrants who refuse to evacuate, our heroes (a black cop, a white cop, a pilot, and a chick) see the writing on the wall and decide to steal a news chopper and fly the hell out of dodge, hoping to find a safe haven.

While in the sky, they see national guardsmen and groups of hillbillies picking off zombies in the countryside. This encourages them, as it seems that the zombies are easier to round up and kill in open, rural areas.

They happen upon a shopping mall, and decide to land on the roof and scavenge for supplies. Once inside, they are find themselves surrounded by all of the material possessions they could ever want. It is discovered during this time that the chick is pregnant with the pilots child. Seduced by the notion that they will never want for anything again, they decide to stay. However, the mall is infested with the undead, wandering through the mall like catatonic shoppers. The survivors devise a plan to block off the entrances of the mall with semi trucks to prevent more zombies from entering.

With the entrances blocked off and the zombies inside dead, the survivors relish in their newfound material glory by having nice dinners in the mall restaurant, building themselves an apartment using tools from the hardware store, and playing shitty videogame at the arcade. The white cop, who was bitten during the semi truck stunt, dies, reanimates, and is killed again.

Time passes, and the survivors are no longer amused by their possessions. Before going off the air for good, TV reports show that the zombie invasion has just about destroyed civilization. During this time of groundhog day-like drudgery, the pilot gives his pregnant girlfriend flying lessons in the helicopter. This attracts the attention of another group of survivorsleather-clad bikers. Seeing that there are survivors with an entire mall all to themselves, the gang breaks in, intending to kill our heroes in order to inhabit the mall. During this battle for the Garden of Eden, zombies make their way inside the mall and infest it once again. The pilot dies and reanimates, leading the rest of the undead to the survivors hidden apartment. The black cop and the chick escape in the helicopter, low on fuel and without any idea of what may lie ahead.

Gore 5/5

Make-up and special effect artist Tom Savini made his name with this movie, and for good reason. Exploding heads, edible guts, and lots of squirting neon blood make for a veritable 70s gore-fest.

Boobs 1/5

The only boobs you get to see in this movie are the chicks, while she is sitting up in bed, looking bored and wondering what purpose there is to life. Not sexy.

Overall 5/5

The movie moves a bit slowly, but all movies were slower in the 70s. Even with the lackluster boobs, this movie is awesome. The black cop wrecks shit throughout the movie. He also apparently knows how to conduct abortions. The white cop is pretty good, but he loses his head because hes having too much fun running zombies over with his truck. The pilot pretty much sucks because he may be the worst shot in the history of zombie movies. The chick is pretty solid overall, and she gets bonus points because by the end of the movie, she can fly a helicopter.

Zombie defense moves:

Shotgun to the cranium (recommended)

Machete to the head

Running over with Semi Trucks

Throwing off balconies

Slicing off top of head with helicopter blades (recommended)

Friday, April 10, 2009

Thursday, April 9, 2009

April: Back to Basics

Don't worry. This blog will not die. I will keep it alive...or should I say, undead?

I was waiting for our first review from March's double feature, but since it hasn't happened yet, I'll go ahead with my pick for April.

Dawn of the Dead. The original, Romero flick from 1978. It's time to revisit our roots, people.

I'll have my review up before the 15th.

Oh, and Flesh Eating Mothers was fucking amazing.


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Don't die

I don't want this blog to die, so I'll give you this:

Sunday, March 15, 2009

March Double Feature

As the 2nd film (and hopefully a better one), I'm going with Day of the Dead. I actually haven't seen this even though I've seen the other Romero flicks. My guess is the nudity will be low, but it will be solid otherwise.

DAY of the DEAD (1985)
Directed by: George A. Romero

Day of the Dead, the third and concluding chapter in George Romero's zombie trilogy is the most distinctly 1950s-style science fiction version of the lot. Set in Florida, as the film begins the dead have taken over the world, outnumbering humans 400,000 to one. The handful of surviving humans have taken refuge in an underground missile silo and argue and yell at each other like players in a Rod Serling Twilight Zone episode. Among the survivors are Sarah (Lori Cardille) -- a scientist who is trying to reverse the process whereby the dead turn into flesh-eating, irrational zombies -- and Dr. Logan (Richard Liberty) -- an out-of-his-mind psychologist who wants to capture the zombies and turn them into domestic help. Things heat up when the military tries to take over the scientific experiments.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

March Flick

All right boys, here's the next pick

Flesh Eating Mothers (1989)
"This bizarre horror satire involves a rabies-like virus which is spread by a philandering fellow to several harried housewives in the same suburban community, turning them into savage cannibals. That's it for the setup -- what remains is a series of outrageously gory scenes in which the maniacal mommies begin hacking up, cooking, and eating everyone in sight, including local police, stray cats, their loutish husbands, and even their own children. It's up to a few surviving kids to unite against the neighborhood menace and join forces with a doctor to come up with a cure for their mothers' l
lethal affliction."

As a huge fan of Dead Alive, I have high hopes and expectations. I look forward to posting the first review later this month.


Friday, February 20, 2009

Nazi Zombies in the Snow

Pursuant to Bud the Chud's comment concerning Nazi zombies in the snow on the hallowed Sci-FI, it may be that he was thinking of Dead Snow. The trailer may be more easily viewed on youtube.

To explain, the misguided choice of Zombie Lake was driven by Dead Snow's non-availability from Netflix. Zombie Lake, at the very least, provided the requisite fix for zombies and Nazis.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Zombie Stripper Nazis

February is double feature month for The Fresh Brains club, so here we go...

Zombie Lake (1980) Le Lac des morts vivants

“During World War II, a group of villagers ambushed and defeated a band of German soldiers and threw their bodies in the nearby lake. Now, the Nazis have returned as angry zombies, preying on unsuspecting teenage female swimmers and skinny-dippers. The town mayor (Howard Vernon) doesn't know what to do, but a young girl may hold a crucial secret. Cult director Jean Rollin (The Naked Vampire) helmed this infamous horror film.”

With a lead like that and a poster that is a work of true zombie art, my expectations were high. That the first full seven minutes of this film are nothing but a naked woman futzing about in a lake bolstered my confidence. The first appearance of the “zombies”, however, revealed this shit stuffed rotting donkey carcass of a movie for what it really was, an abomination against God and everything Night of the Living Dead stands for. There's B-movie bad, so-bad-it's-good bad, there's unwatchable mess bad (ala Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song), and now there's Zombie Lake fucking awful. There's makeup falling off zombies, underwater scenes shot in what appears to be an above ground pool, horrific dubbing, and gore that goes little beyond ketchup packets and munching noises. There's a plot, I suppose, revolving around the “head” “zombie”, who, before becoming a zombie (no clear details on the particulars), bones a local French woman, she gets pregnant, and the daughter plays an integral role in the destruction of the zombies, I guess. I can't be much more specific. I fast forwarded through most of it. That said, Boobs. In addition to the opening sequence, a soccer team of women pile out of a bus, strip, frolic, and are promptly munched to death. Also, there is a gratuitously long scene wherein the chief pre-zombie Nazi bones the chick to produce the offspring who will eventually bring about his doom. I guess that's irony.

Overall: WTF?!?!/5 brains
Acting: brick/5 brains
Plot: 0/5 brains
Gore: ketchup/5 brains
Boobs:4/5 brains

Zombie Strippers (2008), "Zombies, shit."

This stunningly brilliant piece of cinema belongs in the pantheon of motion pictures. It contains philosophy, existentialism, ontological pondering, social commentary, political satire, that guy who plays Freddy Kruger, Jenna Jameson, one shit tonne of boobs, and zombies. Awesome fucking zombies. Look, there's this plot and stuff happens. None of that matters. The first half of the movie is pretty much strippers dancing. They become zombies. The second half of the movie is those same strippers dancing, and now they're zombies. The action crescendos to a glorious climax when the pair of alpha zombie strippers square off in a battle royal featuring techniques typically reserved for Thailand. The gore is abundant and beautiful. The film weaves a tangled web of plot and drama that draws you in and holds you tight. You can practically smell the stripper vanilla. I laughed, I cried, I saw the zombie soul laid bare. When (not if) Ms. Jameson deservedly wins her Oscar, the clips they show will all come from Zombie Strippers.

Overall: 4.9/5 fresh brains
Acting: 4.9/5 fresh brains
Plot: 4.9/5 fresh brains
Gore: 4.9/5 fresh brains
Boobs: Boner/5 Zombie boners

Sorry this got long. There's so much to say when one touches either end of the zombie universe.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Economist Cover

The Economist has a zombie hand on it's cover. Somehow, Barack Obama and the financial crisis are going to result in reanimated dead. This is amazing.

Lifeforce (1985) directed by Tobe Hooper

This is posted for Isphording. We will deal with his tardiness later, but we need to get back on track. DJBJ, you're up for February. Let's get moving.

Well, as you can see, I'm not the best blogger. Here is what I can come up with...please post for record of gmail can be found. As I say, I'm just not a blogger. Synopsis:Astronauts find an alien spaceship in outer space with the 3 lifeforms in cryogenic lock. Taking the lifeforms back to merry ol' England the aliens do considerable damage on the local population....millons are turned into zombies. Proving that love conquers all the human astronaut joins spirits with the evil alien/vampire to bring about both of their destruction.

Character flaws:The lead male character might be too horny...the girl he keeps going after is turning the entire English countryside into about having baggage. Zombie defense moves:If you ever riding a helicopotor with Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Star Trek Enterprise and he starts turning into a zombie...consider jumping out of the helicopter as your defense.

Personal Comments:Reasons why Lifeforce (1985) directed by Tobe Hooper is awesome:

1. The she-alien vampire is hot and is naked most of the movie.
2. Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Star Trek Enterprise is in this movie.
3. It expands the zombie family tree This movie transcends cinema genres...horror, drama, romance, soft-core porn...and within the horror genre it crosses subgenres...aliens, vampires, zombies, soft-core porn...which makes a movie a like this have something for everyone.

HOWEVER, that being said, we are members of the esteemed "Fresh Brains Club". Not the "Bloody Fangs Club" or the "It came from outer space" club. So, to a point, is Lifeforce a Zombie movie? Humanoids do roam the steets of England in a similar manner as traditional zombies (i.e., generally mindless, various degrees of speed, hungry for flesh), but are the Lifeforce "zombies" really "zombies". Or are they lifeless vampire humanoids...and does that quailfy? Without splitting hairs, I would argue that it does qualify as a zombie movie, as well as a alien movie, and as a vampire movie. If this movie were reality and a movie like "Night of the Living Dead" was reality and the "zombies" from each were to cross paths with eachother I do not believe they would attack eachother because they would recognize eachother as zombie-kin...maybe not as close as brothers, but possibly as cousins. I hope you all enjoyed this different film with a zombie flair. I know I did.

Overall: 3/5 brains
Acting:3/5 brains
Plot: 4/5 brains
Gore:3/5 brains
Boobs:5/5 brains

Monday, January 5, 2009

New Movies

Just wanted to let everyone know that I received two new movies over the holidays, Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane and Dead & Breakfast. I'm very excited as both should be horribly great.

You have to love the play on words...

1st post - January 2009 movie selection

I have finally successfully joined the blog...I am one of Newt's buddies from high school

I join you all by lifting my mace high - zombies beware!

I watched Night of the Living Dead and will watch Zombie 2 this week, so I will be caught up. I'll add some posts for those movies. Newt says I have the January pick, so without further suspense here it goes: the 1985 Zombie-Alien-Vampire classic, LIFEFORCE. Beware the kiss of the evil temptress as it will leave you braindead...just ask Patrick Stewart.