Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Zombie Stripper Nazis

February is double feature month for The Fresh Brains club, so here we go...

Zombie Lake (1980) Le Lac des morts vivants

“During World War II, a group of villagers ambushed and defeated a band of German soldiers and threw their bodies in the nearby lake. Now, the Nazis have returned as angry zombies, preying on unsuspecting teenage female swimmers and skinny-dippers. The town mayor (Howard Vernon) doesn't know what to do, but a young girl may hold a crucial secret. Cult director Jean Rollin (The Naked Vampire) helmed this infamous horror film.”

With a lead like that and a poster that is a work of true zombie art, my expectations were high. That the first full seven minutes of this film are nothing but a naked woman futzing about in a lake bolstered my confidence. The first appearance of the “zombies”, however, revealed this shit stuffed rotting donkey carcass of a movie for what it really was, an abomination against God and everything Night of the Living Dead stands for. There's B-movie bad, so-bad-it's-good bad, there's unwatchable mess bad (ala Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song), and now there's Zombie Lake fucking awful. There's makeup falling off zombies, underwater scenes shot in what appears to be an above ground pool, horrific dubbing, and gore that goes little beyond ketchup packets and munching noises. There's a plot, I suppose, revolving around the “head” “zombie”, who, before becoming a zombie (no clear details on the particulars), bones a local French woman, she gets pregnant, and the daughter plays an integral role in the destruction of the zombies, I guess. I can't be much more specific. I fast forwarded through most of it. That said, Boobs. In addition to the opening sequence, a soccer team of women pile out of a bus, strip, frolic, and are promptly munched to death. Also, there is a gratuitously long scene wherein the chief pre-zombie Nazi bones the chick to produce the offspring who will eventually bring about his doom. I guess that's irony.

Overall: WTF?!?!/5 brains
Acting: brick/5 brains
Plot: 0/5 brains
Gore: ketchup/5 brains
Boobs:4/5 brains

Zombie Strippers (2008), "Zombies, shit."

This stunningly brilliant piece of cinema belongs in the pantheon of motion pictures. It contains philosophy, existentialism, ontological pondering, social commentary, political satire, that guy who plays Freddy Kruger, Jenna Jameson, one shit tonne of boobs, and zombies. Awesome fucking zombies. Look, there's this plot and stuff happens. None of that matters. The first half of the movie is pretty much strippers dancing. They become zombies. The second half of the movie is those same strippers dancing, and now they're zombies. The action crescendos to a glorious climax when the pair of alpha zombie strippers square off in a battle royal featuring techniques typically reserved for Thailand. The gore is abundant and beautiful. The film weaves a tangled web of plot and drama that draws you in and holds you tight. You can practically smell the stripper vanilla. I laughed, I cried, I saw the zombie soul laid bare. When (not if) Ms. Jameson deservedly wins her Oscar, the clips they show will all come from Zombie Strippers.

Overall: 4.9/5 fresh brains
Acting: 4.9/5 fresh brains
Plot: 4.9/5 fresh brains
Gore: 4.9/5 fresh brains
Boobs: Boner/5 Zombie boners

Sorry this got long. There's so much to say when one touches either end of the zombie universe.


Bud the CHUD said...

Well shit. You're supposed to tell everyone what you picked for the monthly movie so we can all watch it. That being said, excellent reviews. I think I may actually have seen portions of Zombie Lake on SciFi because I recall zombies in Waffen SS uniforms sprinting after girls in the snow. And I remember it being so bad that I had to turn if off. But now it looks like I'll have to buy it along with Zombie Strippers, which to be perfectly honest was destined to become a part of my collection the moment the concept was conceived in the writer's brain.

Zombie Ree said...

I must disagree with the Gary on this one. I think Zombie Strippers was a shitty movie.

Overall: 2 out of 5 Zombie tits
The movie looks terrible, the acting is terrible, and there really isn't much zombie action. There's a lot of tits, and that's why it gets 2/5 overall instead of 1/5.

Acting: 1 out of 5 Zombie tits
One word: Atrocious. With the exception of Robert Englund's hilariously over the top sleazeball strip-club owner, everyone in this movie sucked. From the half-ass special forces soldiers to the strippers, to the madame, to the scientists...all were terrible. Tito Ortiz did his best for the ten minutes or so that he was in the film, but he wisely gave up and is never to be seen again.

plot: 2 out of 5 Zombie tits
The plot is supposed to be based on Rhinoceros, a French existential play about people who one by one become rhinos. Except in this they become zombies. In a strip club. This sounds like the recipe for success, but don't be fooled. The zombies can talk, and they make logical decisions. They aren't even that interested in feeding on brains or's more of an afterthought. In this movie, zombie = some make-up plus you can dance on a pole really good. They got it all wrong.

Gore: 3 out of 5 Zombie tits
The gore wasn't too bad, but it wasn't great either. A lot of the exploding heads were computer animated, and I'm just opposed to that. Zombie special effects are supposed to be visceral and real, not CG. I think most of you will agree that practical effects are the best when it comes to flesh-eating dead.

Boobs: 4.8 out of 5 Zombie Tits
There are lots of tits, both live and undead, in this movie. The only reason this doesn't get a 5 is because the main character, played by Jennifer Holland, is one deliciously beautiful piece of ass. And you don't get to see her tits at all. Come on! And I don't like the idea of having Jenna Jameson on screen when there isn't any penetration involved.

In short, don't waste your time. Watch a real zombie movie instead. or just watch a real porno. You'll be glad that you did, because Zombie Stripper under-delivers in all aspects.

Pig hearts Zed said...

I found this movie to satisfy me on one level, and bore the shit out of me on another level.
1) The boobs were amazing, until they all started rotting off. This reminded me somewhat of Guam, where the strippers there turn into zombies becaused they are forced to stay awake for so long and eventually need to feed on the flesh of the living. That was just about the only satisfying thing of the movie. Also, even though I cringed, I've never seen a zombie bite off a guy's dick and chew it like it was a stick of Laffy Taffy.
2) Strippers don't read Neitszche. I'm sorry, they only know how to spell Marlboro and all the president's names. Even though it was explained that the Y chromosome stabilized the re-animation virus, it still doesn't mean that the zombies should just love to strip like crazy. Even though it very much fit in with the intent of the virus making soldiers continue with their jobs after dying, I don't see it enabling strippers to spin around a pole so fast it blows the strip club to pieces.

With a name like Zombie Strippers, we know what to expect on all accounts. Gary was right in choosing this, because how could we NOT watch this movie. It had to be done. Freddy Kruger was good as the sleazy owner.

Since Mort Powell forgot to add this, I'll add it. I did not see any good zombie kill moves. None of them went for the brain, even though they knew to go for the brain. They just opened up automatic fire on all of them.

We should focus on the classics at least once in a while (Dead Alive, Re-Animator, etc.)